I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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