First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Ladies don't puke and tell
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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