If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We are all done wearing pants today
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
