I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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