She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
