I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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