When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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