I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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