I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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