I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
