There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
