apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
