Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
