things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
