How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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