I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
