I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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