he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize