When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
