a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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