i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
