So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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