My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
