You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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