and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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