I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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