im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
