Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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