I cannot find my penis.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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