As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
