I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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