Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
