I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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