Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
