dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
