shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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