Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
