Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
