I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
