I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
