If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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