I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I need water and some morals
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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