Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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