I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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