By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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