Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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