Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We are two peas in an std pod
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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