I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
