Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
