I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
