Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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