Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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