I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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