everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize