My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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