I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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