Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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