I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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