listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
