to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Someone shattered a urinal.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
