I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
