Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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