Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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