On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
