For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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