life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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