why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
