I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
They took my balls.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
