I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
