he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
